Identity

Recent charity events have got me thinking about identity and how I identify myself. I am a cancer survivor, but I’m also a hard-of-hearing young adult. Both of these affect me on a day to day basis, but the former has for so many years- and in such a subtle way-that I hardly notice anymore. It’s certainly part of who I am, but I haven’t had to deal with the day-to-day medical hassles for so long that it’s become trivial. Most people who knew me when I was a kid recognize me primarily as a childhood cancer survivor. Most who have met me since probably know me better as a hard-of-hearing young adult. I have been a cancer survivor for about sixteen of my twenty-two years. Of those, about fourteen have been post-treatment, so unless someone is a good friend of my family or has really gotten to know me, they might know me as a hard of hearing person but not as a cancer survivor. My identity as a cancer survivor was formed when I was far too young to understand the implications. However, my identity as a hard of hearing person is still continuing to develop.

As I grow older and more knowledgeable about the world around me, I’m also more keenly aware of how my hearing loss affects my daily interaction with others. Cancer comes in so many different shapes and forms that once someone is done with treatment it may no longer be obvious that he or she has had cancer. You may or may not have a hint about a person’s hearing status by having a few conversations with them, noticing that they wear a hearing aid, etc. Both conditions can be somewhat less visible than others. As I mature I think I’ve tried to make my status as a cancer survivor less visible and my status as a hard of hearing young adult more visible. It used to be quite the opposite. I was so open about my cancer diagnosis that I gave it out like any random fact. “I was diagnosed with a brain tumor when I was five” was as casual a thing to say as “I’d like to learn to swing dance.” I tried to hide the fact that I wore a hearing aid, but how long can you carry on a conversation with someone and hide the fact that you haven’t heard half of what they said? I was caught in a double “in between trap.” I didn’t fit in with the Deaf or hearing worlds. Even among the hearing loss community I was in between the elderly who had lost their hearing because they were old and the young people who had been born deaf. However, the more hard-of-hearing young adults I come across, the more I realize that we are a unique group, and among that group our situations are diverse. Thus, I’ve decided to stop trying to define myself as belonging to a certain group and work on the issues I find important to me as an individual.