My Hearing Loss Journey (in more ways than one)

Originally entitled "My Hearing Loss Story OR What I Discovered On My Trip Abroad," I submitted this story to author Shanna Groves (Lipreader) for a project she's working on...

I should have been terrified walking the streets of Dublin alone. I was a 22 year old American woman with no sense of direction and a love of Irish accents, but very little comprehension. Why did I decide to wander the streets on my own? I didn’t feel like I fit in with my classmates. They seemed nice enough, perhaps too nice. Perhaps I was only imagining the condescending tones in their voices, or perhaps I wasn’t hearing the “tones” correctly at all. They claimed that they would be happy to help me if I was having trouble. Still, I felt like a burden, whether I brought my needs to their attention or just sulked by myself because I was afraid to. I felt like a nuisance trying to figure out what everyone was doing for the day in the hopes of joining classmates I hardly knew on their adventures. Most of the things the grad students wanted to do were a little too expensive for me, and when the whole group of grads and undergrads did things together I never felt like I could get in on the conversation. Whether I’m thousands of miles from home or in south Orange County, it‘s a well known fact that people around my age socialize in groups.

Why is this such a problem? Well, I’ve always been an introverted person, but that’s not the point. I felt like I didn’t fit in because I am hard of hearing. How many twenty-two-year-olds do you know who wear a hearing aid? If you’re using more than one hand, you must work for voc rehab or something. Even among my hard of hearing friends I feel different, but then, everyone has their own story… I was diagnosed with a brain tumor four months before my sixth birthday. They say my hearing loss could be due to the tumor, the treatment, or both. I’ve never gotten a strong theory, or a long term prognosis. All I know is that I have been gradually losing my hearing since elementary school. I was a clever kid, and I was fairly good at hiding it when I was younger. However, once I started junior high my parents started to notice that I was missing more.

In junior high I got my first pair of hearing aids, the completely-in-the-ear kind. When I started high school we found that I needed something different, so I tried the behind-the-ear kind. They worked a lot better. However, upon the arrival of my new set of aids, we discovered that my right ear was completely unresponsive. Today I hear alright using a hearing aid in my left ear, but it often picks up everything, not just the sounds I want to hear. Also, having just one ear to work with, I often can’t tell where sounds are coming from. Unless I’m in a quiet room with only one or two other people, all the sounds become one big, jumbled mess and I comprehend very little. However, for a long time I ignored this fact and often purposely put myself in loud, crowded situations purely for the sake of “fitting in.”
I still feel like I never really fit in during high school, but who does? I felt that if I just had some group that I could belong to, then that would be good enough for me. I joined the marching band. I played the flute… rather poorly, but I stuck with it for four excruciating years. I got yelled at a lot, but so did everyone else. I was probably literally “yelled at” more than anyone else because that was the only way to get my attention. I often took this very personally and would go home crying after practices. I was technically a “member” of The Golden Hawk Brigade, but I sure never felt like I “belonged.” I never got invited to do things outside of practice and competitions. Perhaps this was because others thought I was too emotional, or too self-absorbed. Regardless of what others thought, I never felt like a part of the group.

Now, I function fairly well as a “hearing” person with my aid in, but in a large, chatty group I’m unable to pick out a bit of conversation to respond to. It’s somewhat awkward to single someone out for a side conversation when you don’t know anyone very well. This is true no matter how old you are, whether you’re hearing, deaf, or hard of hearing. Yes, there is a difference between the three that I am very keen to point out, but we’ll save that for another time. So how did I solve the problem of “not fitting in” and “not being able to hear in a large group“ while traveling in Europe? Perhaps you might say I went about it the wrong way, but this is what I did. I started venturing off on my own when I had free time. I explored the cities by myself and discovered a newfound confidence. Maybe this wasn’t the smartest idea, and perhaps not the best for my social life, but it worked for me. While wandering the streets alone I didn’t have to worry about “fitting in” or “keeping up with the group.” Without meeting times and places I didn’t have to worry about getting lost. People are typically very friendly, especially in cities where the main industry is tourism. If I got lost I could ask someone where to go, and if I misunderstood them and went the wrong way I could ask somebody else or pull out my map and figure it out myself. I went off adventuring on my own and I was fine. From this experience I gained a sense of independence that I’ve never experienced before or since and discovered that even as a hard of hearing person I don’t have to feel like a burden to anyone. I can make it on my own.